I received this message on chat after last night’s webinar, Three paralyzing thoughts professional have that hold them back from making decision if children is right for them. If I had a dollar for every time I heard this, “I wish I had you when I was younger,” I would have a lot of dollars.
How often do we go through life making big decisions without support ?
Without a neutral party to voice all our fears, doubts and insecurities to?
Without someone pushing us to really think through what it is we want?
Without someone holding us accountable ?
Without someone cheering us on, reminding us we are normal in our struggles but also special enough to ask for what we want and go after it ?
The GOOD news is we don’t have to go at it alone. There is so much support out there for whatever you are struggling with. We just have to seek it out and ask. It may be a therapist. It may be a coach. It may be a friend. It may even be a journal or self-help book.
I have used ALL of these for support and I am so much better for it.
Strong-willed. Driven. Opinionated.
These words have been descriptors of me through my whole life (along with funny and good hair 😊).
I stand strong in what I believe, trust my gut and instincts and am confident in the decisions I make for my life.
I never dreamed of having kids or envisioned children in my future. I remember being younger and telling my mom that and asking if something was wrong with me. I dreamt of travel and excitement and freedom.
A part of me thought it would change as I got older, met a partner and “settled” down but that never came. I would see children and think oh they are cute but never a draw to have my own. I would have terrible dreams of having children. To be honest the thought of having children felt debilitating and suffocating.
But still I left the option open and then one day it hit me.I have been intentional with my life and its focus throughout my entire adult life. When I want something, I make it happen. From going to a major university out of state to living in NYC to traveling the world to successful careers indifferent industries.
Why now would I not trust what I want for my life? It had served me so well and given me so many incredible experiences and people in my life. Why was this different?
Because even though I knew what I wanted, everything around me showed a different future. From friends to media to social norms. And then all the “What ifs” full of fear and regret.
Ya’ll this is no joke.
It’s a personal and multi-faceted decision and while I was almost always certain this is not what I wanted for my life, I know many women don’t feel the same way and are feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed by this decision.
If this sounds like you please schedule a complimentary session today on my site and let's get to work!
Grace is a word I use in almost every session. I have found as high-performing humans we are good at extending grace to others but struggle with showing it to ourselves. Our expectations are high and tolerance for not achieving is low.
The other day I was sitting at my desk, mind racing,thinking of all the things I wanted to get done and focus on and it boiled down to two categories; work and health. I paused and added Grace to the list.
Every day I set goals for both work and health. There are days I don’t get all my To Dos done for my business. Show myself Grace. There are some days I eat more chips and salsa than I should or skip a workout. Show myself Grace. Even on days I feel like I don’t make progress in either. Show myself Grace.
Health.
Work.
Grace.
On a good day accomplishing all three is perfection. On a not so good day you can at least accomplish one by showing yourself Grace and coming back stronger in the next moment. Sitting around and beating yourself up and cutting yourself no slack serves no one. To ruminate on what you could or should have done wastes your precious time and holds you back from moving forward.
Show yourself Grace. Give yourself a moment. Move on stronger.
Not the F word because well sometimes it just needs to be said.
I am talking about the words that creep into our daily vocabulary, edge into your psyche and bring down your energy and power. These little words that are unassuming, shifting our mindset without us even knowing it.
These everyday verbs give power to guilt, shame and resentment, making us feel like we are victims to our circumstances. What would it look like if we changed those little word from a feeling of responsibility and resignation to a voice of choice?
“I choose to save this money because it’s important to me to build up my savings account.”
vs.
“I should put money in my savings instead of going on that trip.”
“It’s important to me to be honest and effective at work so I need to have that conversation with my coworker.”
vs.
“I need to have that difficult conversation with my coworker about their performance.”
“I want to be healthy in mind and body so I choose to go to the gym today.”
vs.
“I have to go to the gym today.”
“My intent with my partner is to be patient, supportive and kind.”
vs.
“I’ll try to be a more patient, supportive and kind partner.”
My personal favorite is “I get to.” “I get to pay my bills because I have a job.” “I get to push myself hard at the gym because I have a healthy body.” “I get to have a packed calendar because I have a lot of special people in my life.” It feels a little more of an honor and less of a grind. And it's a simple shift.
I challenge you to take a day and look at how often you use these words. Words have power. Take the power back in small ways and notice the big shift.
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Let’s talk about FEAR.
F-E-A-R.
Fear is sneaky.
It comes up at just the right moment, when you are feeling strong, confident and ready to do something big.
Fear, masked under the pretense of caring about your best interest, mutters:
“Are you sure you can do this?”,
“You’re not experienced/educated/talented enough to.”
“There’s no way you can start a family/quit your job/follow your heart”.
Fear creeps in a little at a time and before you know it, has made itself at home in your mind and heart with a blanket, warm cup of coffee, binging on Netflix.
Why do we welcome this rude little self-serving house guest? Fear may be detrimental to our dreams but at least we know what to expect. We believe it keeps us safe and free from disappointment and embarrassment but really it just handcuffs us from living our life.
How do you welcome fear and self-doubt into your life ?
Is it constant comparison to others online? LOG OUT.
Is it a friend, spouse, coworker family member whose words make you self-doubt/question your dreams. IGNORE THEM.
Or is it you ? Self-sabotaging, making excuses, ignoring what you know you need to do. STOP IT.
The actions that move us further along in our journey requires nothing more than stopping the things that are holding us back.
So let’s turn up the heat, clear out the fridge and kick fear and self-doubt out of our home.
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This may seem a little counterintuitive coming from a coach but what you do is not important to me. It makes no difference to me what it is you want to do with this one wonderful life. As a coach what is deeply important to me is who you want to be and what you are doing every day to get there.
Whatever your goal is I would bet that’s not the end game for you. You may want to be in better shape, have more money in savings, leave a relationship or transition to a new role but I bet those are not the true goals. Maybe what you are really striving for is being:
As high performers with big goals and dreams, it’s perfectly normal to focus on doing and achieving, often losing sight of “Is this really who I want to be?”
Aligning who you want to be with the goals you have set for your life coupled with intention and daily focus behind those are what dreams are made of.
And those dreams are what I do care about.
I was a moderator in/on (not sure how you say it) Clubhouse earlier this week in a room on Difficult Conversations. Moderators were asked to share parting gems we have on the topic.
Here are my jewels.
1. Stay connected to the purpose of the difficult conversation. It's never about the actually conversation but what the goal is. So often we get caught up in how we will feel, what will we say, will they get mad, and so wrapped up in the conversation that we forget why we need to have it in the first place.
If your difficult conversation is 1. in service of someone ex. feedback at work or 2. in service of yourself ex. setting a boundary with someone, come back to this reason.
Difficult conversations can be a gift. If are struggling with having this conversation, stop and ask yourself "What is the gift/act of service in this conversation?". Connecting to the purpose can help give the courage you need.
2. Don't confuse the discomfort of the talk with it not being the right thing to do. Difficult is in the name. These conversations are not supposed to be comfortable or feel good. You may feel awkward and uncomfortable and start to talk yourself out of having what could be a monumental conversation. Stop. Don't confuse the feelings with the facts. Some conversations and decisions will not be fun and that's okay.
What difficult conversation have you been putting off?
If you have it what is the positive impact that could happen because of it?
Difficult conversations are a gift even if it doesn't feel like it.
P.S. The same gems go for difficult choices as well. Give it a whirl.
